Shiloh Griffin Gibson

3/21/2020

Dear Family and Friends,

We have chosen to write this letter for a few reasons. First of all, a social media post doesn’t do some things justice. Secondly, our community is scattered across the country and even the world, but we desire to be close to each of your right now and this letter lets us do that. On top of that, even though we can’t be physically close to most of our friends who live near to us due to coronavirus, we desire to be close to you right now too.

I don’t know how to start this letter. I’m afraid to write it. I’m afraid that by writing this letter we’ll have to be vulnerable not just in writing it, but also in receiving your care and support. I want to think it would be easier to carry on with life if I just hide and bury my feelings, but I know that’s not true. Jackie and I are thankful for each of you. We couldn’t make it through this on our own.

There are very few things that are clear to me at the moment, but there are two things I am extremely confident in. First is that my purpose in life right now is to serve and love my incredible wife, Jackie, to the best of my ability. Second is that God is with us. God’s plan is eternal, and both my perspective and plan are incredibly temporary. His plan, and His timing, are superior to mine in every way. Knowing those two things are absolutely true, we would like to share with you, our family and friends, what the last week of our life has looked like.

Our son, Shiloh Griffin Gibson, was born, and went to heaven, on Monday, 3/16/2020. Around 8:30PM on Saturday, 3/14/2020, Jackie’s water broke and there was significant bleeding. We rushed to the emergency room, and after a few hours we were informed that our greatest fear had come true; our baby was not going to make it. There was little to no fluid around the baby, and Jackie was going to have to deliver our baby at 17 weeks pregnant.

Jackie was given medication to begin inducing labor early Sunday morning, on 3/15/2020. Jackie fought through induced labor with hardly any pain medication. She chose not to have an epidural, and the one tiny dose of pain medication she was given via IV made her extremely nauseated. On Monday evening, around 6:00PM, Jackie delivered our son, Shiloh Griffin Gibson, after nearly 37 hours of induced labor. Shiloh had ten perfect toes, ten perfect fingers, and I personally think he was already smiling. Each and every healthcare professional we worked with, especially the Labor and Delivery Nurses and the Midwives will forever hold a special place in our hearts. They are angels.

We chose to see Shiloh, to hold Shiloh, and to have some photos taken of and with him. I will never forget what it felt like to hold his tiny, perfect little hand in mine. After some time with Shiloh, we were given some keepsakes in his memory, and we headed home. Since then, we’ve been navigating grief and mourning one step and one day at a time. We want to share parts of that journey with you. We’d be honored if you would take the time to read the next couple pages.

The story behind Shiloh’s name.

In the hospital, one of our nurses, Sue, shared with us her experience of losing her first born when she was 38 weeks pregnant (she went on to have 3 beautiful, healthy children). We were terrified and didn’t know what to think or feel. Sue was the most calming presence to have by our side. She encouraged us to name our baby. Jackie and I are both notoriously planners, and we had decided what we wanted to name our baby within a week of finding out Jackie was pregnant. We have a boy name picked out, and we have a girl name picked out. Neither of us felt right using either of those names for our baby. We decided to keep both of those names for children we’ll have in the future. We had also been told that we may not be able to find out the gender of our baby.

Knowing all this, we prayed over and searched for a name that would honor our baby’s story in this moment as well as for years to come. We decided to name our baby Shiloh no matter if we had a boy or a girl. We also decided on Griffin for a middle name if we were to have a son, and Hope if we were to have a daughter. Names have many meanings, but we chose Shiloh because one its meanings is tranquil, or peace. When we think of Shiloh, we desire to be reminded of peace. One of the meanings for Griffin is strong faith. We know that when we think of Shiloh, our faith will be tested. We are committed to honoring Shiloh by being strong in our faith. We hope that as each of you read the story behind Shiloh’s name, you are able to find peace as well. If being strong in your faith is a foreign concept to you, we’d be honored to share with you what that means to us. Don’t hesitate to ask us.

We can’t do this alone. Please be with us.

Before we even left our house to rush to the ER, we knew we couldn’t do this alone. We prayed in our driveway, reaching out and begging God to come near to us. I also reached out to a few of our closest friends to join us in prayer. In the hospital, we were cared for by not just the nurses and doctors but also by many of you reaching out, praying for us, and a couple of you even bringing us anything we needed. We are forever grateful. In the last week, we have received an outpouring of love and support in every way. We can’t say thank you enough.

As we broaden the circle of who is aware of Shiloh’s passing, we will also be stepping back into our daily routines one step at a time. Please know that we still need you. We might seem like we’re ok, and we truly are much of the time, but grief comes and goes in, at times, overwhelming waves. We know that. We’ve been through grief and loss too many times already even in just 7 short years of marriage. So if you’re reading this wondering how you can love us well, just be with us. Being with us might just look like sending a text. We welcome that. Please know we might not have much to say in response, and we might take awhile to reply, but we really do appreciate each and every one of you reaching out.

Being with us also looks like praying for us. We appreciate each and every one of your prayers for Shiloh, for Jackie, and for I. Being with us might also look like sharing a meal, playing Mario Party, giving us a hug, and sharing both the highs and lows of this season. We’re thankful for you. Please be with us.

We know this is not the end of our story as parents, and we are blessed.

From the moment we were told by the first doctor that our baby wasn’t going to make it, that moment where we first sobbed in mourning, we have never lost confidence in one thing: this is not the end of our story as parents. We truly believe that God has more in store for us as parents. That’s not a crutch to get us through this season or a dream that we’re wishing for. It is our hope, and we are clinging to it. Fear tells me that this is the end. Hope tells me it is not. We are choosing hope. We chose this verse for Shiloh:

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Hope in this season takes a whole lot of strength and courage. We are choosing to honor our Shiloh by choosing hope, hope that God is with us wherever we go. We have also had Isaiah 40:13 on our hearts:

“Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord, or instruct the Lord as his counselor?”

Rather than trying to foolishly instruct God about what he should do or should have done, we’re choosing to trust Him. Several of our closest friends, and good ol’ C.S. Lewis in his book A Grief Observed, have also reminded us of this verse:

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matthew 5:4

I think the power and meaning of the word blessed has been really skewed in this day and age. Getting to go on the new ride at Disneyland or getting a free drink when you step off the plane at your favorite beach destination gets captioned with “blessed.” Blessed, to Jackie and I right now, has a much deeper meaning. We are blessed in that we now love each other more deeply than we ever have before. We are blessed in that we are more aware than ever of how wealthy we are in the relationships we have. We are blessed to know Christ, and to have faith in Him. We are blessed in all the little ways our friends and family care for us each day. We are blessed to have a roof over our head and food in our stomachs. We are mourning, and we do feel blessed. We are comforted by that.

This is the hardest thing we’ve ever gone through.

I am choosing to honor our son by writing the majority of this letter as a story of hope, but please don’t think for a second that hope is all we’re feeling. This sucks. We have never cried more or slept less. I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. Jackie doesn’t want to go to the bathroom and be reminded of the horror of bleeding and crying out for my name last Saturday. Jackie and I have been together for 13 years, and married for 8. We tend to keep most of our personal lives off of social media on purpose, but many of you know we have been through a lot. This week, the last 7 days, has been the hardest thing we have gone through.

We’ll never know what Shiloh’s smile would have looked like, what his favorite flavor of ice cream was, what he would have been passionate about (other than supporting my favorite sports teams, obviously), or who he would have married. We’re terrified of what future pregnancies will be like. We’re afraid of forgetting what it felt like to hold Shiloh in our hands for the very, very brief time we had with him. This. Is. Hard.

This sucks, and it’s hard, but it’s not forever. Rather than dwelling in what we’re afraid of or what we don’t know, we are trying our best with the little energy we have to dwell in what we know. We know we have hope and love. Like I’ve written a lot about, we have hope in Christ. Jackie and I are so madly in love with each other right now. We have love from each of you that make up our community. We’re dwelling in that.

That was a lot of words, but each one helped Jackie and I grieve. We’re grateful for you taking the time to read this letter.

With Love,

The Gibsons: Shiloh, Jackie and Josh